It starts off with my heart pounding and i’m struggling to breath. I feel fear. Terror. Something is wrong and something terrible is going to happen to me.
And then the tears come. And the pain. I can feel it in my stomach, and chest, and heart. All over my body. I’m doubled over in pain. It feels like grief. Loss. Complete and utter agony.
And I can’t stop it. It just keeps pouring out of me. I even scream into my pillow to try and get it out. To try and make it stop. And I’m completely back there. I’m completely alone and something is happening to me that I do not understand. But I know it is wrong. I know that I want it to stop. I know that I am paralysed by fear.
And I feel tiny and small. Helpless and defenceless. No-one can hear me or help me. And I can’t even put into words how excruciatingly painful it is. Physically and emotionally. And it goes on for hours. I cannot come back to now. I cannot remember that I am an adult and that this is not happening right now. I cannot feel safe.
And after hours of agony my head is thumping, and I can’t see properly from how swollen my eyes are. And I’m exhausted. And eventually I fall asleep. But I toss and turn all night long having nightmares.
I wake up panicking, with my heart racing. Something is wrong. I feel it in every single part of my body. And maybe it begins all over again. Or hopefully I am back in the present a bit more. Hopefully I’m able to phone someone and bring myself back. Hopefully I don’t get stuck there all over again.
But all I can do is wait until I am back again. Wait until I am here again, as an adult, in the present. But even then, I am exhausted. I need to sleep and rest for days. I don’t have strength or energy to do anything other than recover.
And all I can do is build up my strength again. Until it happens again. Until I relive everything again. and again. and again.