I have been having a bit of a difficult time the past few weeks. A lot of ups and downs, and things have just been getting a bit too much for me to cope with. My physical health has been getting worse and I’m struggling to find the right help with that. I came down a dose of Pregabalin and I think that has really unsettled my mood and anxiety. I started a summer job and decided that it was just too much for me right now and that I need to spend some time focusing on my health, but I have struggled not to beat myself up over this. Despite all of that, there have been some very good things to happen in my life recently and I wanted to write them down to remind myself and anyone else that throughout difficult times there can still be hope.
I finished my first year at university
It has taken me a very long time to be able to say that. After having a difficult time being able to sustain any type of education and multiple attempts at university, I finally finished my first year on a course I am extremely passionate about. I even won a prize for my academic performance in the school of education and social work! I still can’t quite believe it, but it is an achievement I definitely do not take for granted. I am excited for second year now and going on my first placement!
I gave the job a try
I was very close to not even attempting the summer job, but decided to give it my best shot and see how I got on. For the couple of weeks I did manage to do, I did really well. And even if I have decided not to continue, I am glad I still tried. In the past I would have seen this whole thing as a failure but I think deciding to take some time to look after myself and get into a better place again was a good decision.
I saw a nice doctor who actually listened to me
A few weeks ago I had a very bad appointment with a GP who basically told me I need to accept my physical health the way it is and told me I just wasn’t resilient enough to cope with it. His suggestion was to do therapy to stop worrying so much. It really effected me and I have thought about it for weeks. It almost made me completely give up on trying to get any support for my physical health. And then I found the courage to see a different doctor, and it was the first time I have felt listened to when talking about how much my physical health is impacting on my life. It made such a difference and we are going to keep looking into things more to find out whats going on, and how to move forward.
I am trying my hardest to face up to my trauma and let myself heal
I am still trying to access therapy and have had confusing messages about where I am on the waiting list and when I will have an appointment. But I feel ready to do the therapy when it is offered to me, and feel determined to face up to everything that is holding me back. I don’t run away from my feelings as much as I used to. I try to be compassionate to myself. I feel ready to move forward.
I haven’t used alcohol to deal with any difficult times
This has not been easy. My automatic reaction to things is to just want to stop caring and use alcohol as a way of escaping. But I haven’t done this since last year, and that is a huge achievement for me. I have started to care more about my life now, that the risk of losing that through escaping in drinking is just not worth it.
I have more hope
Even in my most difficult moments, I think I have more hope than I have ever had before. I have had glimpses of what my life could be like now when I am doing well. I have seen the things I can overcome and achieve. My future seems like a very real possibility now, instead of a distant dream. I know now that healing is difficult and painful, and I believe it will be a lifelong journey but those glimpses of good moments make it all seem worth it.