There have been many times in my life when the rage inside me has taken over. It is how I learned to cope as a teenager. After I was sexually abused at age 12, the only thing I could do to take any power back over my body and life was to try and destroy every part of it. There were many more sexual and physical assaults. My control was taken away from me and I felt powerless. I didn’t know how to make it stop. But I knew how to be angry.
I took control by destroying any part of the vulnerable girl I was before the abuse. The one who had become a victim. I couldn’t stand being that victim. So I became the person a social worker once called ‘brittle, sullen and uncommunicative’. I became the person my family didn’t recognise. I became the person who made every attempt to destroy anything good inside me or around me. I had to become this person to survive.
In recent years those barriers have been broken down a lot. I have learned to start caring about myself. I have learned to feel my emotions. Learned to stop punishing myself. To let some good things into my life. To use the anger as a drive to try and change something. I’ve learned that the anger means I care about other people and I passionately want change for them too. The fight in me is there for a reason.
But sometimes, like the last few weeks, I don’t know what to do with the anger again. I feel stuck with no outlet for it. I feel like I’m just shouting to myself and no-one is listening. Just like they weren’t listening when I was younger. When things are happening around me that I can’t stand and I feel powerless to make it stop. To make it better. To change anything at all. When I am trying to fight for the help and support I need to move forward but never getting anywhere. When I care so much about what is happening to other people that the frustration of not being able to change anything is just too much. I want to make it stop, for them and for me. I want people to care more than they do. I am angry with how the world is and I don’t feel like I can move or do anything about it.
I have nowhere for the anger to go right now. Nothing I can do to change what I want to change or to feel heard. I am angry for the girl I was and the woman I am. I am angry for every single person who isn’t being heard. But I am self destructing and pushing away the people who care about me instead. I am falling back into the way I know how to deal with all of this. I am losing my sense of safety and stability.
I need to channel this anger into something useful but I don’t know where to turn. I just know that I can’t silence myself. I can’t silence the girl who was angry that her power was being taken away. I can’t make her be quiet. She wants to be heard.